My Immortal
by glaelia
Summary: Song Fic - After Tonks and Remus have an argument, she reflects on their relationship, and her immortal, Remus Lupin...


****

DISCLAIMER: My Immortal belongs to Evanescence, and Remus and Tonks belong to JKR. I just like making them be sappy!!  
  
Enjoy! And please review!  
  
glaelia

*************  
  
**Song Fic - My Immortal**  


Evanescence  
My Immortal  
  
I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears 

And if you have to leave 

I wish that you would just leave 

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone 

These wounds won't seem to heal 

This pain is just too real 

There's just too much that time cannot erase 

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears 

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears 

And I held your hand through all of these years 

But you still have 

All of me 

You used to captivate me 

By your resonating life 

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind 

Your face it haunts 

My once pleasant dreams 

Your voice it chased away 

All the sanity in me 

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone 

But though you're still with me I've been alone all along

*************

****

Tonks' thoughts after she and Remus argue  
  
We argued. Argued like I've never argued with anyone before. I've never heard him shout, never heard him raise his voice. And he was screaming, yelling…. at me. I know its childish, I know it suppresses me, us. I can't help it - I can't help being…. afraid. I'm afraid of him. No, not of him - I'm not scared of Remus Lupin, I love Remus Lupin. I'm scared of what he can become; that he has no control, I'm scared of the Moon, scared of the Wolf, scared of Moony….  
  
He left an hour ago, slamming the door and disappearing off to go I don't know where. I hope he hasn't found Dung. I hope he isn't drinking again. Even though he's gone. I can feel him here, still see him looking at me with all that hurt in his eyes, hurt and anger. I should have told him before, should have told him at all. And now, it's the Moon tonight and he's out there wandering around in Muggle London…. he has to come home and take his Potion, he has to!  
  
Its because of the Moon that we argued…. he's always more…. touchy this time of the month. It's the Wolf trying to get out, I know it isn't Remus. But….He's always more forceful on the Eve of the Full Moon. He caught up with me on the second floor landing, I'd been trying to avoid him all morning, its best to ... try and stay apart on days like this. And for a while it was him, it was Remus, and we kissed and he was gentle and kind and loving, everything that I fell in love with. And the he became rougher, catching my breath away as he took my mouth in bruising kisses, and pinned me against the wall. I…. he scared me. He wasn't Remus anymore….not truly. He hurt me - I have bruises on my arms where he was holding me so tightly and not letting me get away. _Oh my head hurts from all this crying…._ I kneed him….in the groin. He wouldn't let me go! And he was frightening me! I…. he's only this forceful on the Eve on the Full, and usually we avoid each other…. but… well, he looked up, winded, as I backed away across the landing. …and it wasn't Remus…. that wasn't Remus…. his eyes weren't the beautiful blue they usually are…. they were amber. Amber and cold and angry. The wolf wanted his mate…. wanted me. …and I wasn't having any of that! I'm Remus' not Moony's. I remember letting out a little scream and running away, running down the stairs and hiding in the kitchen. That's where he found me, his eyes still Amber and blazing now. He was shouting…. Screaming. And it hurts now. I'm not sure this pain will ever heal, he's hurt me, scared me, shouted at me….he said too much …. too much that can't be erased.  
  
_When he cried, I'd wipe away all of his tears, holding him, comforting him, telling him everything would be all right. He would be all right. We would be all right. And when he screamed in pain and fear, I fought away his fears for him. healing his wounds and chasing away the demons, holding him as he slept and the nightmares took him. I held his hand through all these years…. and I still would…. if he would let me…. my Immortal, my Remus._  
  
The idea of Remus Jeremiah Lupin captivated me long before I fell in love with him. He is truly a remarkable man, strong and valiant and intelligent and kind. He's worked selflessly for Dumbledore all his life, for the Order and as a Professor at Hogwarts. He has spent his life largely alone, avoiding prejudice from the Wizarding community, fear from the Muggle one. And he found safety with his friends, with James and Sirius and Lily and even Peter…. and one by one they've all been taken away from him….and now he's alone…. truly alone…. his spirit will be trapped between worlds for all eternity…. and the thought terrifies him. He isn't scared of the Wolf, of the Change, of the Moon. not really. He's scared of eternity…. alone. He used to captivate me by his life, his vigour, his very soul. And now the same thing resonates around my dreams, my nightmares - his soul. His poor,… tainted soul. His face haunts my dreams…. the man I love and the thing that he becomes, the thing that terrifies me. I feel like I've lost my sanity, at times I'm like a giddy school girl, so in love I can barely think, a smile from him, a whispered word and my heart lifts and my mind muddles. And at the same time, one glint of cold Amber in those blue eyes and I feel my body shake in fear, in apprehension. I love him, but I'm scared of what he becomes. Childish? Yes. Irrational? No. He knows that…. knows I have a right to be afraid…. but today, today there is more Moony is his soul, in his mind than there is Remus…. that's what scares me…. that the man I love is taken over so wholly, so completely. I'm trying to hard to tell myself that's he's gone, to will my mind, my body to not want him to come back. Surely I'd be better off without him? And even though I can feel his presence, even though he's still here with me, in my mind at least. I've been alone all along. Alone with my thoughts and childish fears, alone in my love for this amazing man and fear of this beast within him. But most of all, alone among those he trusts and cares for…. and I can't take that away from him, can I?


End file.
